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Lani

Cry Boy Cry 

Cry Boy Cry Pt. 1

Where am I? 

    A question I find myself asking here and there as I follow a man down the road. I’ve been following him for sometime now, and I still don't think he has noticed me. Although the sky is the darkest black I can still see him, I can see that he is beautiful. Honestly one of the most extraordinary men I’ve ever seen. As the street lights shine upon him, I can see more; the only thing average about him is his height. Each day I watch him, I follow this man; from point A to point B. No matter how fast I have to walk to keep up, I am never left behind. 

    We share very few things in common; like both of us are right handed and from the same neighborhood. Still he is somehow better than me, he is everything I am not. His smile is like a siren’s song drawing in lost sailors. His hair is long and twisted identical on every side. And his laugh… it can slay the demons in a somber air, and dispel skeletons in a closest that seems filled to the brim. 

    This is love, or what id imagine it to be like. I love him the same way he loves himself because he is perfection, few people notice it but his presence is always felt, unlike mines. I slouch, hunched over watching him sit up straight. You can tell he has stood up to bullies time and time again while i just hoped the bully went away. sometimes i believe my mother when she says jesus was born again, and I wonder what that must feel like and how I could do the same. just be a better me, no be exactly like him. I hate this knot in my stomach, pain in my back and heaviness in my heart. something I'm sure he doesn't deal with. the one thing he'd never know.

Cry Boy Cry Part 2

Where is he?

    A question I find myself asking here and there as I am followed by a man down the road. He’s been following me for some time now and still thinks i haven't noticed him. The sky is the darkest black but I can still see he is lonely. Honestly one of the most social awkward men Ive ever seen. As the street lights shine upon my face he stands in the dark. How will he see his beauty when he is engulfed by the chilling shadows.

    The only thing average about him is his height. Each day he watches me travel from point A to point B. I walk quickly and its always hard for him to keep up but he manages just fine. We share a lot in common and sometimes i wonder if thats why he is following me, but I can tell he thinks Im better than him. His smile is so faint that I’d talk to him for hours so he wouldn't pass out. His hair is twisted out of control because he has more important things to worry about than being groomed properly and he always looks so serious.

    We walked pass each other once, his scent was of dove but his oar was telling. He was in love with me and it was plain to see. If only he felt the same way about himself. If only he looked at himself and saw what i see in myself… I think he misunderstands my qualities. He only sees sailors drawn in by my smile like a sirens song, he is unaware that I’ve been singing my heart out for years hoping someone would listen. He thinks my long twisted hair is evenly proportional but what he doesn't see is all the parts of me I cut away to fade and shape up for what society thinks is okay. He believes my laugh to be a sword that can remove skeletons in a closet and slay demons, but he couldn't even imagine all the loose bones behind my doors or the times my blade was scattered because the monsters were simply too much for even my power to slay,  too much for my power to tame. But he only cares about this pseudo transcendence because that’s what people do to those they admire. They forget that there is a person behind each name with a story.  He is dealing with depression, a form of depression that is poisonous and overhauls the body like rigor mortis. So I wrote him a letter and left it in a park i spent a lot of time in, one he often followed me to.

Cry Boy Cry Pt. 3

But then he left a letter in the park. The park he ended every night in. 

    I thought it was weird because it was so unlike him to leave something i’d assume to be important. I walked over and picked the letter up. It had no writing on the outside and wasn’t sealed. Instantly I was filled with joy, this was my chance to know about him. This was my chance to truly know him. I opened it and was confused; it was  a letter addressed to no one. I assumed he didn’t have time to write who it was for before he lost it. However it was very clear who this letter was for without finishing the first sentence. 

    It read “ You sure do move slow, I find myself strolling just so you can keep up”. My heart dropped and fear bite its sharp toxic teeth into my flesh. I was truly afraid. Where did I go wrong? How did he… no, when did he notice me? As I panicked my anxiety soon came to  ease. He noticed me, finally saw me standing there. Among all the other people in the world. He continued “but honestly I have so many questions that i wish i could ask. I wish we could talk face to face. I wish we could be friends but sadly i doubt we will ever meet. What i would give so you could know all the the things I know, then it would all make sense. This would make sense. Life is too confusing for you at this age, hell its hard for me to figure out and I'm not much older. Its a never ending story told a million different ways from a million different people with a million different perspectives. its not from beginning to end because all ends bring about new beginnings. Maybe you loving me is both a beginning and an ending. 

    I blushed and shamefully covered up as if someone had seen my soul. He knows me so well, yet never spoke a word to me. “ Don't panic, its alright, I am in no superior position to lay any judgement.” As the amber street light lite my surroundings, I knew he was talking about the hole…the void that we all feel somewhere inside us. “You know they say the eyes are the gateway to the soul, and through yours I'm sure you see nothing; its dark isn't it? Everyday you open your eyes…and still see nothing. You want glory, you want fame and all that comes with it. I wrote this to tell you let it go.” 

    Tears began to drown my vision , my idol, the man I loved and looked up to had just stabbed me in the heart. “You need to let go, just let it all go. Your incubation is over and yet you’ve just begun your journey. Im sure I know what you'd say so ill ask this… “ I know what you see in me, but do you ever catch what i say? Can you even hear me from that distance you put between us?” I thought to myself I can’t move any closer, my body freezes stiff and loses the will to walk closer. I hate when that happens to me. As my tears still burned my face with readiness I… for a brief moment… felt a connection, what I thought was a kindred spirit. I thought back to the myth of zeus and humankind. That man and woman were of one soul, one heart, and one mind. This made them perfect…but zeus feared what he could not understand, jealousy squeezed his heart and distorted his vision. until the perfection of the human race looked like nothing more than pride to him. so he cut humans in half and this made man and woman. For our vanity whether misplaced or not we were given a hole inside of us, cursed to search for our other half until death. He left us here hollow…never to be complete again. This felt like my fate…until i found you. But the most damning punishment was that i couldn't even say hello. Id rather die… id rather be finished with every thing than live on like this, live on without you. I hate how heavy i feel without having anything that filled me in the first place. She…a girl once gave me propose and maybe thats why I'm here today. watching a man i can barely see. watching a man i cant even hear. love has betrayed me, it lured me to this location, to this point in my life and i will die for it. 

Cry Boy Cry Finale 

I cry every time.

    Maybe its because death leaves a nasty taste in the mouth of those who live again. I watch a man die that doesn't have to because he is envious of himself. If only he listened, and heard the sound, the meaning behind it all. The same one that pulses in the background emitting from everything. The birds, the trees and even money sang a song of truth. what you see is what you will get from this world. blaming the seasons changing will not mitigate the damage done. I wish I could have said all this and more but time ultimately has the final say. but the most important thing i wish i could have said was “ please….please don't love me.” Life will get dark, darker than all 50 shades of grey. I wish there were some way I could tell you ill keep you on my brain. I wish i could tell everything lani … i mean she told you.

    Your body is still warm so ill ask my last question” If all your wishes came true would you still think death, to be a phenomenon love hasn't witnessed? Of course you cant answer. I guess things aren't as black and white as you thought them to be. Love, death, truth, sound; these are are names - thee who watch over you. and as much as this pains me, you needed this. leaving was your best option, and i knew you’d make the right choice. shit…i had to do it too. history really does repeat itself. At least your half way there. You've loved and you've died. now its time to become truly; that means to the fullest agree; be genuine, be proper.

    I hate this part the most. How was my name the sound and i couldn't even hear myself trying to save me. I guess I thought lani was more important  than the faint sound I rarely heard in the background. she was the light i saw in that life. Maybe she is my soulmate and the curse on humanity made me follow her with same conviction you followed me with. With love in the mirror my eyes; my whole world was turned upside down. The words she said mixed with her actions told me a story. One where she felt how i felt. Too scare to move forward but too in love to move back. I think she gave me an impression of her, almost like leaving me with a part of her spirit. We would never be one and I’d lose my best friend, but i’d finally see him, i’d finally become who I truly was. 

    She couldn't fill up the hole in me so she gave me the tools to stand on my own with all her efforts while she was here, so id know what feeling complete was like. I like to believe she thought this deep about everything and was some angel sent to make me a better me. But she probably left because she needed something I couldn't give… a real life. When I was able to speak about her, I was able to speak about everything. This made me whole, this made me true. And truth is the amplifier that I needed, you needed, and we needed when she left us. So many different moments will be responsible for bringing you back; friends, women, drugs, and of course music, our one true love. When you get back you'll truly be the sound. The person lani knew could be everything you thought he could be… the person you could barley hear and dreamed of in your head, but never clearly see, me. The man you will one day become. If my job is complete you'll know what to do when you wake up from your sleep. You'll know the first step because you will not be ashamed of your truth. You will be on your way down the never ending ride that leads to perfection; or sound. We all can do this. Just by being yourself you are perfectly you. but first, before you can do any of that you must do one thing. Cry boy. Cry.